Didn't see THAT coming....

So the horse has been here for almost two weeks now. He's a real sweetheart and is settling in and putting on weight and all that good stuff. We spent weeks getting his shed and the turn-out pasture ready for his arrival. I was all ready to go and jump back into horse-ownership....

But I have made the unexpected discovery that I am just not as "into" it as I used to be. Didn't see that coming!! It's a very weird feeling and I've been trying to figure out what's "wrong." What I've concluded is - and this is a hard one to admit - that I don't have the nerve that I used to.

One day last week I was leading him, and some invisible boogey-man spooked him on the right, and he jumped straight and hard to the left, where of course I was standing. His leg hit my knee so hard that I dropped to the ground and couldn't get up for several minutes. Ten days later, my knee is still hurting me.... Yesterday I resolved that I was going to get on him. Thing is, I had to work up to it all day. When I finally did hop on him, we just stood there. For all of 3 minutes. I was absolutely terrified of him bolting or spooking or otherwise doing something to unseat me. Horses can feel your nervousness, so I certainly wasn't helping matters. D'oh!

He's a great horse, but I'm realizing that he's the horse I would have wanted 15 years ago. He's not the horse for me now. I guess I've just been away from it for too long. Weirder still is that I seem to have no resolve whatsoever to just beat it (the fear, not the horse!...lol!). I'm perfectly content to walk away and that's that. If I did get a different horse, what I'm looking for at this stage of my life is some older horse that's seen it all, one that you can lie back on and soak up the sun and he's just gonna fall asleep under you. My idea of a fun ride is just a stroll around camp, not hanging on for dear life going Mach 2! That was me once, but not now. I guess having 3 kids to raise and having a body that just plain takes longer to heal has changed my perspective some!

Today....

....is a bad day.....

Today, I am really disliking home schooling.

Today, I really wish I had another alternative!

But I don't. So I must press on. I feel like my kids are learning nothing. I feel like we just float through our days with no aim. Mostly that's my fault. I am no good at organizing a school day without turning it into a classroom-at-home. I can't seem to find that middle ground. If I try to put some organization to the day, the kids balk at having to do "work." If I try to back off and let them follow their own natural leading, it goes NO where! Well, no, that's not entirely true....but their leading more often than not has nothing to do with "learning" what so ever. Left to their own devices, it would be tv, video games and such.

I'm so frustrated. I feel like I can't win here. And I'm tired of fighting this battle.

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